The Facts of Life about Men - Conservative vs With It!

"The Facts of Life"
Young Romance
DC Comics
Cover Art by Jay Scott Pike
Story Art by Jack Abel and Vince Colletta
Number 178
1972

Growing up my younger sister and I were very, very different. She was the cheerleader to my Goth chick. I was the book lover to her total hater of books and those who read them. She was the mean girl to my attempt to be kind to everyone.

Our differences are only slightly less pronounced today.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and, quite frankly, I totally envy her ability to verbally castrate a man in mere seconds. It is amazing, even if a little uncomfortable, to watch. But, while I have no doubt that that ability lies dormant just below my surface, I'm not sure I would ever want to harness it.

Truth be told, my parents just didn't raise meek girls. One of the things my father is fond of saying is I'm surprised that either of my daughters were able to have children. I thought their balls would get in the way.

Yeah, that about sums us both up pretty well.

Of all our differences, our taste in men is certainly one of the bigger ones. I pursued tall and smart. (I wasn't always successful.) She was after short and none too bright. (She wasn't always successful either.)

Despite this difference in taste, I once made the mistake of telling her I found a specific guy attractive. She instantly went over to him and spent the next little while flirting with him. Shoulder touching, Bicep stroking, hair flipping. She was good.

Of course she said she did this just to see if he would be a good match for you. Yeah, I didn't believe her either.

It wasn't much of a loss since I really only found him attractive because he was late every where he went and his clothes were always so wrinkled he looked liked he must have picked them up off of the floor and got dressed in a dark closet. For some reason I found that endearing. (Perhaps I imagined him as having so many weighty mathematical equations in his head that he was too distracted to dress himself like the adult he was.) Needless to say, I avoided the same mistakes in the future.

But, as always, I have gone off on a tangent. Sorry!

Well today's story is about two sisters who also struggle with differing taste in men. (Though they can, no doubt, agree on how much leg to show!)

In The Facts of Life, Emily and Ina seem to always butt heads regarding the qualities most important in a man. Emily going for the young biker Santa set and, while Ina, preferring the stock broker sensibilities, she's more interested in what is on the inside.

This is a pointless argument. Emily certainly isn't a bra wearer and Ina, no doubt, is. In my experience women that different aren't likely to ever agree on anything.

And, while admittedly, I like a man in a suit, Andy's got such a crazy jawline in that lower left panel that even the suit isn't working for him. Of course if one were dating Frank, no question who will be paying for dinner.

In the lower left panel Emily looks like here sandals are too small. Perhaps she could afford sandals that fit if she didn't have to pay for all of her and Frank's dates.

Looks like someone let a werewolf in the house. But that werewolf looks pretty damn hot in that suit and tie so I vote that he gets to stay!

See, it really is what is on the inside that is important. Though I can't help but wonder if Frank is going to have to ask Emily to dress a little less like a prostitute while accompanying him to school functions.

No Date this Valentine's Day? Yeah, me neither.

"Not Born for Love"
Teen Confessions
Charlton Comics
Story Art by Charles Nicholas and Vince Alascia
Number 86
1974


Today's post is for those who are also alone this Valentine's Day. I feel your pain. With my husband working a late shift I will be spending my Valentine's Day alone. (Well, technically with a baby, a toddler and a six year old.) But this lonesome Valentine's day is certainly not the first. Yep, even the amazing Spectergirl has spent her fair share of Valentine's Days without a special someone by her side.

I know, I know. It is nearly impossible to imagine but I speak the truth! There was once a times when I was not the master of relationships and dating that I am now and, though few and far between (I assure you!), times where my affections were not necessarily reciprocated.

In fact, at 17 I was completely smitten with a friend who was a 6' 4" blonde, Mensa member on my high school swim team (every thing's better when wet!) who was head over heals for one of my closest friend. (How could he?!)

This girl, who must have been completely blind, would never even give him the time of day. And she spent more than a year ignoring him as I kept my own fondness a secret.

Finally, two weeks before Valentine's he asked me out. I was so thrown off, after so many months of worshiping from afar, that I said "no". (WTF?!!) How smooth was I?

Of course, he never asked me again and I don't blame him. And that, I'm sure, was for the best since a man obsessed with a poetry writing, no make-up wearing, all-natural hemp girl could never turn around and truly be interested in a dyed hair, black lipstick wearing girl who shunned all things natural.

Besides, I'm sure he would have spent the entire time talking about my friend anyway.

Now, to the lonesome girl story at hand. In Not Born for Love we meet the lonely, boyfriendless Juliet Woods. Too tall, too skinny and a little too smart, Juliet can not seem to catch a man. (I hear ya sister!)

Hate to break it to you Juliet, but Susanne may be the dumbest girl in the freshman class but I think they are more interested in how well she is filling out that shirt.

Awkward is code for she looks fat. That sleeveless sweater and belt are not helping.

I'm not sure which makes me cringe the most the you needed to, Lydia or the I've been eating like a pig.

Mrs. Gannon seems really intense while watching them kiss in that last panel. It is really creeping me out.

A turtle neck AND a sweater vest. Very few men can pull that look off.

See, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times - there is no problem a little exercise and a man to practice kissing with can't solve.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Spock is Dreamy

"They Always Say They Love Me"
Teen Confessions
Charlton Comics
Number 55
1969

I have always had a weakness for smart men. In fact there is really nothing as attractive as a guy with brains. Now, I'm not talking about those men who like to think they're smarter than you are (I've never met one that was.) and feel the need to always be teaching you something important at every turn. (Ugh!) I'm talking the truly intelligent. Of course, with smart men, you will likely have to over look a twelve-sided die at some point, but nothing is impossible if you really put your mind to it.

My own darling husband has an IQ in something like the 160's but luckily he seems to use it from nothing more obnoxious than a nearly photographic memory of comics and an ability to recall all of the of words to 80's rap, (This is the 80's and Loc is down with the ladies.) Okay, so maybe that is a little obnoxious.

Charlton Comics, with its obvious understanding of Isaac Asimov's Spock is Dreamy hypothesis, bring us a tale of bad boys, smart men and a lot of fist-to-cuts. Sweet!

In They Always Say They Love Me we are thrown into the middle of a would be love-triangle already in progress.

Tina is a high school girl with a weakness for the velvet Nehru jacket/poet shirt wearing bad boy type. (Did I mention of mutton chops?) And, as you well know, nothing good can come of that.

Surprisingly, Tina finds Gig's watching her kissing her boyfriend a distraction instead of the total turn-on that is should be.

Fevvy, sensing his chick's discomfort, is forced to kick his ass. All with his strangely dress and bearded lackey there to watch

Tina puts a stop to the beating and, angry at her man for punching Gig, creepy voyeur or no, refuses to leave with him. Needless to say, Fevvy doesn't take it well.

I don't know about you, in my experience men who say they are different are normally worse.

While Gig walks Tina home they talk about Tina's dwindling interest in school and Gig tries to convince Tina not to drop out.

Now He'll Kiss Me. What an ego.

Gig's talk seems to have really had an affect on Tina. And that night she does some heavy reflecting. And the next morning she decides to try and turn her life around.

Fevvy, Mortie, Ralph and any of the others? ... damn girl, you're still in high school. You need to pace yourself.

Later Tina has a run in with Fevvy and his gang of drop-out- hipster-dumbasses before heading home to study.

Wow, Gig's timing is so perfect it almost seems planned out. I believe Gig is even smarter than we suspected.

Showing up in a tweed jacket and his Clark Kent glasses, like every girl's fantasy, Gig helps Tina with her math. (Perhaps if I had had my own hot blonde tutor I wouldn't have gotten a C- in trigonometry.)

On her way to meet Gig at the library, Tina once again runs into Fevvy and his dedicated hag. Of course, since trouble seems to follow Tina everywhere, fists must fly. And with Tina's help, Gig finally gets to kick a little ass too.

After escaping together, with emotions still running high, Gig and Tina admit their feelings for one another. And Tina finally gets that kiss that she probably still sees as her due.

And, as it should be, the smart guy gets the girl. It probably didn't hurt that he was also hot.

In my opinion there really does needs to be more smart blonde men in romance comics. They should also all be built like Aquaman. Splish-Splash!

When is a Rebound not a Rebound?

"Can This Be Love?"
Secrets of Young Brides
Charlton Comics
Story Art by Enrique Nieto
Number 3
1975

Well my minions, today's love lesson is on the traditionally suckie rebound relationship. If you've never had one, you can assume you must be in one now and your current relationship will end in tragedy. (Of course my husband has informed me that he has never had one. I'm already packing my bags.)

I personally have only every had one relationship that I would label a rebound. The fact that we were BOTH rebounding seems to have made the end inevitable. In what seems like a common pattern to my dating years, it was with a new clerk in a shop I frequented. (I guess I have just always had a thing for a man with a job.) After a few polite date declines (I knew even then it wasn't a great idea.) I eventually gave in. (We're talking short choppy burgundy dyed hair, ink and dimples when he smiled. I'm only human!)

In true rebound form we hit it off wonderfully but the fact that we still had some major unresolved issue from the past had the relationship abruptly ending after a few weeks. (months?)

So-called "experts" say that a rebound relationship is not necessary destined to fail, assuming you know how to manage it. The key being moving slowly. Well apparently who ever wrote this story knew their shit. We are talking romance at a slow crawl.

Before we begin, I wanted to say that while you might be more familiar with Enrique Neito's horror work, I surprisingly enough really dig the art in this story. I think mainly because the textures totally makes me think of a hand-me-down set of Fashion Plates I got from my Aunt when I was little. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you totally missed out.

In Can This Be Love? we meet a very hot Nick Curtis and the far less hot Charlene something or other. (We don't really care about her.) On a flight from New York to Florida, Nick Cheek-Bones Curtis has himself a seat next to Charlene, a blonde with no appreciation for facial hair and a frightening ugly shirt. (I won't even go into the horrid seventies kindergarten teacher hair cut.)

She's also kind of a bitch.

I wouldn't kick him out of bed for snoring. I might kick him out of bed for being a writer though.

After some polite conversation on the plane, (Was that so hard Charlene?!) they make some loose plans to go out to dinner sometime while they both are in town.

But, while they agree, neither one is really in the market for a new relationship.

When, later at the beach, Nick realizes that none of the chicks turn him on, he finds his thoughts going back to Charlene. And decides to call and schedule that dinner.

Who are these kids?

Charlene agrees and, in the market for a relationship or not, chooses to wear a shirt most definitely purchase from a stripper/clown store.

Oddly, while Nick is a proud owner of a penis, he does not go screaming at the site his date and children in the same room. (Ladies! I think Nick Curtis just got hotter.)

The date goes well but at the end of the night Nick finds his old relationship holding him back.

She must be using double-stick tape. How else could she possibly stay inside that shirt?

And that night they both are haunted by their pasts.

Why do I feel like Charlene's ex is about to tie her to a train track?

As their relationship progresses, Charlene finds herself unable to move forward with so much emotional baggage.

But while traveling home she can't help but think of Nick.

\
Despite all my talk, I really do find sweet guys a lot hotter than bad boys.

And when Nick returns to New York...

With enough time, Charlene finds herself excited to see Nick again. And, taking it painfully slow, they both find they have made it past the pasts.

See, now wasn't that sweet?

And, you know, you always see attractive woman with far less attractive men. It is nice to see it the other way around for a change.

Time for a Love List

"More Than One Love"
For Lovers Only
Charlton Comics
Story Art Penciled by Charles Nicholas
Number 96
1971

I know, I know. It has been quite a while. And I have no doubt that there are more than a few of you in utter panic for being forced to manage your love lives wholly on your own. Well, fear no more.

You know that old give a man a fish saying, the same goes for romance. So today I am going to teach you one of the keys to managing your own love life, in the case of an extended absence in the future.

Get out your pen and paper my bitches! There most definitely will be a quiz.

Now, I swear to you, if I go the a grocery and don't have a list I am coming back with cottage cheese, crackers and little else. If I go hungry you'll probably see cottage cheese, crackers and cookies. (I suck at shopping.)

Well the same thing goes for relationships. Unless you have a rather elaborate list of must and must nots, you're not going to end up with much of a relationship. If you go looking while you're hungry, you'll end up the with the relationship equivalent of cookies. Nice while you're eating them but, if you have too many, it can be hell on your self-esteem.

I've always been a list maker and even I once dated a man for little more than an eyebrow ring and an angry word or other (hate? rage? put-out?) tattooed across his shoulders despite breaking my long standing must not be younger than me and must not be in a band rules. Needless to say, it didn't last too terribly long.

Well it's now time to make that all important New Love Requirementt list. And of course As Told To Stan Lee is here to help. And what better way to help than with a rapid fire list demonstration on More Than One Love.

Perhaps by the end Lila will have the man that's just perfect for her.

MUST: Work someplace with a cool name like Sea-Lab
MUST: Have a a super hip name like Cash.
MUST NOT: Use the word foursome.

MUST NOT: Freely discuss your body in a swimsuit with a dude you just met.
MUST: Be man enough to save you from a shark with little more than a Speedo and a fireplace poker.

MUST NOT: Perform experiments on baby shrimp.
MUST NOT: Feel secure enough to leave you alone with a man who has been undressing you with his eyes all night.
MUST: Be clever enough to pick up on your oh-so-subtle Darn It! I'd planned on taking Lew into a Drive-In...Now, I'll have to sit home with my knitting! type hints.
MUST NOT: Mind the whole knitting thing.

MUST: Be strong enough to not touch his friend's woman even though she is totally asking for it.

MUST NOT: Drool over your girlfriend unless that is exactly what you are hoping for.
MUST: Be okay with that kind of night.

MUST: Be hot enough to win your love before a single kiss.

See! Now every one's happy. And, while personally I think Cash's fondness for ascots is a turn-off, his eye brows are pretty hot in that last panel so I think Lila's list worked out in the end. And I have no doubt yours will too.