Monday, January 30, 2012

Spock is Dreamy

"They Always Say They Love Me"
Teen Confessions
Charlton Comics
Number 55

I have always had a weakness for smart men. In fact there is really nothing as attractive as a guy with brains. Now, I'm not talking about those men who like to think they're smarter than you are (I've never met one that was.) and feel the need to always be teaching you something important at every turn. (Ugh!) I'm talking the truly intelligent. Of course, with smart men, you will likely have to over look a twelve-sided die at some point, but nothing is impossible if you really put your mind to it.

My own darling husband has an IQ in something like the 160's but luckily he seems to use it from nothing more obnoxious than a nearly photographic memory of comics and an ability to recall all of the of words to 80's rap, (This is the 80's and Loc is down with the ladies.) Okay, so maybe that is a little obnoxious.

Charlton Comics, with its obvious understanding of Isaac Asimov's Spock is Dreamy hypothesis, bring us a tale of bad boys, smart men and a lot of fist-to-cuts. Sweet!

In They Always Say They Love Me we are thrown into the middle of a would be love-triangle already in progress.

Tina is a high school girl with a weakness for the velvet Nehru jacket/poet shirt wearing bad boy type. (Did I mention of mutton chops?) And, as you well know, nothing good can come of that.

Surprisingly, Tina finds Gig's watching her kissing her boyfriend a distraction instead of the total turn-on that is should be.

Fevvy, sensing his chick's discomfort, is forced to kick his ass. All with his strangely dress and bearded lackey there to watch

Tina puts a stop to the beating and, angry at her man for punching Gig, creepy voyeur or no, refuses to leave with him. Needless to say, Fevvy doesn't take it well.

I don't know about you, in my experience men who say they are different are normally worse.

While Gig walks Tina home they talk about Tina's dwindling interest in school and Gig tries to convince Tina not to drop out.

Now He'll Kiss Me. What an ego.

Gig's talk seems to have really had an affect on Tina. And that night she does some heavy reflecting. And the next morning she decides to try and turn her life around.

Fevvy, Mortie, Ralph and any of the others? ... damn girl, you're still in high school. You need to pace yourself.

Later Tina has a run in with Fevvy and his gang of drop-out- hipster-dumbasses before heading home to study.

Wow, Gig's timing is so perfect it almost seems planned out. I believe Gig is even smarter than we suspected.

Showing up in a tweed jacket and his Clark Kent glasses, like every girl's fantasy, Gig helps Tina with her math. (Perhaps if I had had my own hot blonde tutor I wouldn't have gotten a C- in trigonometry.)

On her way to meet Gig at the library, Tina once again runs into Fevvy and his dedicated hag. Of course, since trouble seems to follow Tina everywhere, fists must fly. And with Tina's help, Gig finally gets to kick a little ass too.

After escaping together, with emotions still running high, Gig and Tina admit their feelings for one another. And Tina finally gets that kiss that she probably still sees as her due.

And, as it should be, the smart guy gets the girl. It probably didn't hurt that he was also hot.

In my opinion there really does needs to be more smart blonde men in romance comics. They should also all be built like Aquaman. Splish-Splash!

Monday, January 23, 2012

When is a Rebound not a Rebound?

"Can This Be Love?"
Secrets of Young Brides
Charlton Comics
Story Art by Enrique Nieto
Number 3

Well my minions, today's love lesson is on the traditionally suckie rebound relationship. If you've never had one, you can assume you must be in one now and your current relationship will end in tragedy. (Of course my husband has informed me that he has never had one. I'm already packing my bags.)

I personally have only every had one relationship that I would label a rebound. The fact that we were BOTH rebounding seems to have made the end inevitable. In what seems like a common pattern to my dating years, it was with a new clerk in a shop I frequented. (I guess I have just always had a thing for a man with a job.) After a few polite date declines (I knew even then it wasn't a great idea.) I eventually gave in. (We're talking short choppy burgundy dyed hair, ink and dimples when he smiled. I'm only human!)

In true rebound form we hit it off wonderfully but the fact that we still had some major unresolved issue from the past had the relationship abruptly ending after a few weeks. (months?)

So-called "experts" say that a rebound relationship is not necessary destined to fail, assuming you know how to manage it. The key being moving slowly. Well apparently who ever wrote this story knew their shit. We are talking romance at a slow crawl.

Before we begin, I wanted to say that while you might be more familiar with Enrique Neito's horror work, I surprisingly enough really dig the art in this story. I think mainly because the textures totally makes me think of a hand-me-down set of Fashion Plates I got from my Aunt when I was little. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you totally missed out.

In Can This Be Love? we meet a very hot Nick Curtis and the far less hot Charlene something or other. (We don't really care about her.) On a flight from New York to Florida, Nick Cheek-Bones Curtis has himself a seat next to Charlene, a blonde with no appreciation for facial hair and a frightening ugly shirt. (I won't even go into the horrid seventies kindergarten teacher hair cut.)

She's also kind of a bitch.

I wouldn't kick him out of bed for snoring. I might kick him out of bed for being a writer though.

After some polite conversation on the plane, (Was that so hard Charlene?!) they make some loose plans to go out to dinner sometime while they both are in town.

But, while they agree, neither one is really in the market for a new relationship.

When, later at the beach, Nick realizes that none of the chicks turn him on, he finds his thoughts going back to Charlene. And decides to call and schedule that dinner.

Who are these kids?

Charlene agrees and, in the market for a relationship or not, chooses to wear a shirt most definitely purchase from a stripper/clown store.

Oddly, while Nick is a proud owner of a penis, he does not go screaming at the site his date and children in the same room. (Ladies! I think Nick Curtis just got hotter.)

The date goes well but at the end of the night Nick finds his old relationship holding him back.

She must be using double-stick tape. How else could she possibly stay inside that shirt?

And that night they both are haunted by their pasts.

Why do I feel like Charlene's ex is about to tie her to a train track?

As their relationship progresses, Charlene finds herself unable to move forward with so much emotional baggage.

But while traveling home she can't help but think of Nick.

Despite all my talk, I really do find sweet guys a lot hotter than bad boys.

And when Nick returns to New York...

With enough time, Charlene finds herself excited to see Nick again. And, taking it painfully slow, they both find they have made it past the pasts.

See, now wasn't that sweet?

And, you know, you always see attractive woman with far less attractive men. It is nice to see it the other way around for a change.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Time for a Love List

"More Than One Love"
For Lovers Only
Charlton Comics
Story Art Penciled by Charles Nicholas
Number 96

I know, I know. It has been quite a while. And I have no doubt that there are more than a few of you in utter panic for being forced to manage your love lives wholly on your own. Well, fear no more.

You know that old give a man a fish saying, the same goes for romance. So today I am going to teach you one of the keys to managing your own love life, in the case of an extended absence in the future.

Get out your pen and paper my bitches! There most definitely will be a quiz.

Now, I swear to you, if I go the a grocery and don't have a list I am coming back with cottage cheese, crackers and little else. If I go hungry you'll probably see cottage cheese, crackers and cookies. (I suck at shopping.)

Well the same thing goes for relationships. Unless you have a rather elaborate list of must and must nots, you're not going to end up with much of a relationship. If you go looking while you're hungry, you'll end up the with the relationship equivalent of cookies. Nice while you're eating them but, if you have too many, it can be hell on your self-esteem.

I've always been a list maker and even I once dated a man for little more than an eyebrow ring and an angry word or other (hate? rage? put-out?) tattooed across his shoulders despite breaking my long standing must not be younger than me and must not be in a band rules. Needless to say, it didn't last too terribly long.

Well it's now time to make that all important New Love Requirementt list. And of course As Told To Stan Lee is here to help. And what better way to help than with a rapid fire list demonstration on More Than One Love.

Perhaps by the end Lila will have the man that's just perfect for her.

MUST: Work someplace with a cool name like Sea-Lab
MUST: Have a a super hip name like Cash.
MUST NOT: Use the word foursome.

MUST NOT: Freely discuss your body in a swimsuit with a dude you just met.
MUST: Be man enough to save you from a shark with little more than a Speedo and a fireplace poker.

MUST NOT: Perform experiments on baby shrimp.
MUST NOT: Feel secure enough to leave you alone with a man who has been undressing you with his eyes all night.
MUST: Be clever enough to pick up on your oh-so-subtle Darn It! I'd planned on taking Lew into a Drive-In...Now, I'll have to sit home with my knitting! type hints.
MUST NOT: Mind the whole knitting thing.

MUST: Be strong enough to not touch his friend's woman even though she is totally asking for it.

MUST NOT: Drool over your girlfriend unless that is exactly what you are hoping for.
MUST: Be okay with that kind of night.

MUST: Be hot enough to win your love before a single kiss.

See! Now every one's happy. And, while personally I think Cash's fondness for ascots is a turn-off, his eye brows are pretty hot in that last panel so I think Lila's list worked out in the end. And I have no doubt yours will too.