Monday, August 29, 2011

Yeah, someone needs to put their woman on a choke chain.

"Everyone Loves Me..."
Just Married
Charlton Comics
Number 75

A relationship is a two (occasionally three) person operations. Everyone involved really needs to pull their weight or things start to go downhill fast. We're talking Olympic skier fast. If it isn't at Macy's someone is heading over to Saks. It's only a matter of time.

As always I'm here to share my vast knowledge of relationships. Don't get me wrong, my knowledge was hard earned so it is with no real pride that I throw myself into the teacher role. Now before you start arguing just think about how much smarter I really am than you regarding relationships.

Are you done thinking?


So, now that we are on the same page, back to the topic at hand.

The fact is, on only the rarest of occasions can a relationship problem be placed firmly on one person's lap. As an example of such a case take this actual conversation I had with my closest friend. For the sake of his privacy and since he never reads my blog, we will call him dumbass.

Dumbass: Man, this girl I am seeing has a much stronger "drive" than me.

Spectergirl: Really?

Dumbass: Yeah, to such a degree that I'm not sure this relationship is going to work out.

Spectergirl: Okay, try this. Add up the number of times you "manhandle" yourself in a week to the number of times you're "in the mood" and then subtract that from the number of times she wants to "shehandle" you.

Dumbass: Oh.

Spectergirl: Dumbass.

Dumbass: Hey, why don't we go to lunch so that I can talk non-stop about my book and try and force you to read the most recently completed story arch.

Spectergirl: Ugh.

Dumbass: I'll buy.

Spectergirl: Damn. Okay.

Now that is not word-for-word but I'm trying to keep it family friendly.

Charlton's Just Married is a plethora of relationship strife. What is not to like. In Everyone Loves Me... even I'm hard pressed to pinpoint the newly wed Barbra Larkin's damage. At the very least we have some mind blowing self esteem issues and a whole lot of my biker daddy's in prison going on.

We enter the story on the day Barbra Larkin weds herself a hot guy with blue hair. No, it is blue, I've decided. I have also decided he has a few piercings and a wicked tattoo. Just roll with it.

Watching Barbra ogle the best-man, even before drinking one too many at the reception, it would be hard not to know where this story is going. Yes creepy wedding attendee, perhaps she is too much woman for any one man.

After a reception that I can only assume turns into a disaster, we head directly to the honeymoon. But all seems to be going well.

That is until the first shirtless man shows up.

Man, Buzz must have some monster balls. I mean, her husband is right there. Her husband with his massive tattoo of a skeleton holding a human skull. I'm just saying that tat speaks volumes about just how fragile the lid on Steve's inner rages is.

Buzz is totally oblivious to the total hate vibe rolling off Steve. Steve's words maybe may be polite but his body language just screams giving Buzz a Prince Albert with a rusty hanger.

Steve, of course, is less than pleased with his woman.

But like all newly weds ...

After the honeymoon Steve makes the mistake of moving his new wife into a house that is within fifty miles of another dude. And it is only a matter of time before she starts working to get the self esteem boost she's craving.

On the day of the cook-out Steve must work late. But Barbra is totally okay with the situation. Without Steve there Barbra feels free to make time with all the husbands.

Oddly, the wives, who appear to be twins, don't shove her face down into the grill. Weird. I remember just a few weeks into dating my now husband stopping off at a house rented by some of his college friends and some girl being all flirty with him and, even that early in the relationship, if I hadn't still been firmly in my acting nicer than you really are dating faze I'd have had my combat boot on her esophagus.

Once Steve arrives he watches from the sideline.

Needless to say, Steve is getting pissed.

Why are you behaving this way? Because you're a tease.

Back home Steve tries to shake some sense into this wife.

Once again, for some unknown reason, Steve forgives his crazy female.

And the next day Barbra goes back over to the wives next door and makes a terrible attempt at an apology for coming on to their husbands.

Yeah, this is what I'm talking about with the whole choke collar thing.

Well not surprisingly that love they neighbor relationship gets a little out of hand.

Steve totally has his hand on the butt of a Glock.

If this was an old televisions show this would be about the time that Steve bends Barbra over his knee.

Finally the twins decide to put a stop this all of this.

Steven! Steven, you've let them make a fool of me! Lord she takes herself WAY too seriously. No wonder I hate her.

But once again Steve is there by his wife's side. I guess you can't help who you love.

See how she looks out at you, almost like you might be the next handsome man to draw her attention and Steve's wrath. Scary.