It's not the size of the vessel, it's the motion of the ocean.

"His First Mate"
Love Diary
Charlton Comics 
Cover Art by Demetrio Sanchez Gomez
Story Art by Charles Nicholas and Vince Alasci
Number 87
1973

There are four words that are a MUST to keep in mind in any long-term relationship. Those words are accept, ignore, indulge and complain. Of course the complicated part isn't remembering the words so much as figuring out where to apply them. Sorry, that's your job, I can't do everything for you. So, good luck with that.

Here is an example: My husband accepts my never dying love of the Dynamite Hack 2000 release Superfast. I just don't care enough about this to make the effort to show you that I care enough to try to get you back in bed with me. He ignores the fact that I am a rather terrible cook. Terrible might be an exaggeration. I just sort of suck. He indulges me in my need to constantly be reading a book. It's good for the mind! Well perhaps not with the crap I've been reading as of late. And he complains that I seem just a little too interested in Gerard Butler movies. Have you seen RocknRolla? It's a great movie. The fact that Gerard Butler a aesthetically pleasing is completely incidental.

I, on the other hand accept that my husband likes Frank Senatra. That's why the lady is a tramp. Really? That's why? I ignore the fact that he puts my multi-colored dishes in rainbow order after I put them away. OCD much? I indulge him in his bizarre revolving obsessions. Vikings, Pirates, Mythology etc. And I complain that he complains about the Gerard Butler movies.

Well currently I am indulging my husband in a new obsessions. But this isn't part of his typical yearly cycle. This is a new one. It's about sailors. It is not as potentially sexy as it sounds. It has currently manifested itself in his reading of Moby Dick, continually talking about dirty lyrics of something called Barnacle Bill the Sailor, questioning me on my willingness to live on a boat, hell yes! trying to get a library DVD of Jaws and sitting around with a book on sailor's knots and practicing with a rope. Okay, this has a little more potential.

Add all this to the fact that we just got back from spending a week on a beach certainly the event that has spurred Aaron's current interest and that we always sleep with one of those alarm clocks that makes the sound of the ocean, sailors are currently never very far from my mind either. But were they ever? So today I am bring Love Diary's story His First Mate.

From the first we are introduced to Diane Barr. A secretary with a love of sailing but without the bread needed to make her dream of owning a boat happen and Jim Condon, a sailor without enough bread to keep his dream of owning a boat afloat. Wow, that was a bad.

This is very much like a plot of some seventies sitcom. In another episode due to some contrived complication they are forced to stay all night in a department store with a severely effeminate store clerk and we are forced to suffer through much bad double entendre.  

Someone has to be in charge, woman! Wow, I think my heart just sped up.

Just because you have an ugly hat doesn't mean you can be a captain. It didn't sound to me like she had been on a boat since she was a kid. This idea just seems to be getting worse and worse.

From now on, I think I'd better do the cooking. Well played sir. Well played.

Assuming one or the other isn't a rapist, this sleeping on the boat thing could really save them some phat cash.

Wow, a man soaked to the skin AND without a sense of humor. I'm surprised she doesn't jump him right there.

Remember girls, only say yes to a marriage proposal when the guy stops being hostile just in time.

I sometimes think Chartlon was on crack.

You never know what you're got ... until you realized what you got could have got fat.

"The Ones That Got Away"

For Lovers Only
Charlton Comics
Story Art Penciled by Charles NicholasNumber 96

1971

Most of us, at one time or another, have found ourselves in a relationship that has disintegrates to a point where one becomes little more than a complaints department. I know I sure have. Amy, you're too good for me. Amy, you've ruined me for other women. It can be terribly exhausting.

But what I would imagine to be far worse is a relationship where a former love interest is used as a measuring device for your inadequacies. I should probably take this moment to apologize to all the girlfriends that were used as a sadly lacking replacement for me. But apologizes are not my strong suit. 

Well with my love of the ridiculous and shallow I thought it a grand idea to bring you this (extremely) short  tale of one such relationship. In The Ones That Got Away we meet the shallow and unhappy Donna and Billy. Donna is a woman with a hunger for money and Billy is a man who uses babe-a-liciousness as a measurement of value.

Am I the only one who finds it strange to have a framed (and signed) 8"x 10" of someone you once dated just hanging round the house?

Since I am no longer a redhead I will not take sides in the who is hotter argument. But I will point out that while Cuddles is wearing less clothing, Donna has far pointier boobs.

As fate would have it, directly following their airing of grievances, grievances that I have no doubt they have aired again and again, Donna and Billy are presented with an opportunity to ogle in real life the remembered loves that they have been ogling in their minds.

When the big day arrives Billy and Donna chose to dress appropriately for both seduction and the heat of the July 4th weekend. Billy in a black turtle-neck, short-sleeve shirt and Donna in a pair of skin-tight green pants and a belly shirt.

When Billy finally runs into his old flame she appears to be dimwitted and to have put on more than a few pounds. Oh my!

While, no doubt, Donna is thrilled at the outcome, her joy is short lived. As she soon discovers her old love has also put on the pounds and is the proud owner of a shirt that is both sleeveless and laces up. Really?!

Needless to say ...

Sometimes it just takes the unattractiveness of other to help you remember just how great you really are.

Sadly in another 25 years they have a have a similar argument about how old the other is starting to look that involves the people they dated in the ninth grade.

I do feel the need to point out that while Cuddles and Timothy are certainly not as healthy as they were, they still likely have a happier relationship. And Timothy likely still makes the phat cash.

Want to feel like less of a man?

"Reckless" 
Secret Romance
Charlton Comics
Cover Art by Frank Bolle
Story Art by Charles Nicholas and Vince Alascia
Number 43
1979

I know what you gentlemen are thinking ... Hey! I'm as much of a man as the next guy!

Sorry boys but compared to Clete Andrews you just started your period.

Time and time again Charlton Comics has shown us that they know women. In Reckless, this time around they prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they know real men. And how!

Adrenaline junkie and child of privilege Clete Andrews is very likely the sexiest man to grace the pages of Secret Romance. He is certainly the hottest man to ever vacation at a luxury hotel in the Caribbean. And no doubt Anne Moultrie thanks God he was there because without him, she would have unquestionably been just another victim of...

SHARK ATTACK! 

With Clete on the scene, Anne is able to make her escape, thus leaving Clete Andrews to do what real men to best.

Especially since Clete no doubt tea-bagged him.

At dinner that night, looking oh-so-fine in a dinner jacket, Clete tells Anne about his life of manly excitement. 

 On occasion I also donate blood and testosterone to the Red Cross.

But Anne finds his dangerous lifestyle worrisome.

Sorry, I just can't see this black hair god going for little Miss Ash-blonde over there. But it could just be jealous talking.

But Anne's attraction of Clete has her over stepping the bounds of someone he has know for less then a week.

And Clete gets pissed.

Looks like someone isn't getting felt up on the hotel couch tonight.

Despite Clete's anger, or maybe because of it, Anne can't stay away. And, on a whim, finds Clete in the hotel's casino on one hell of a roll. And ready to take one more roll of the dices.

And because there is just something about a man who has no qualms about bumming money off his parents...

But that night Anne's dreams tell her the truth.

Like the ferocious shark that brought them together,Clete Andrews was not a man easily caged.

A fact proved the next morning when he skips town.

All too soon Ann's vacation comes to an end and she returns home, thinking to never see Clete Andrews again. Until ...

Clete Andrews. Isn't that the name of ... the guy who was kicked out of the hotel hot tub with you?

Of course, Anne is unable to turn away.

And, if only to cinch his total hotness ...

Wow! I think I might even have a crush on him. The Adventure People looking jumpsuit and helmet are no doubt helping. 

With this news that Clete is in the hospital, Anne feels she must see him.

 

And, not deterred in any way by the fact that Clete all but dumped her at the hotel when he check out leaving only a note behind, Anne buys a plane ticket and heads out immediately to see him.

 

And discovers that sometimes if you want to cage something wild you have to break a few bones.

  

How's that uterus working out for you boys?

Only Spartan women give birth to real men! - Oh honey, you're preaching to the choir!

So I told my husband I was in the mood to watch a movie where lots of people killed each other.

We ended up snagging a copy of 300.

The movie could have only been a better fit if I had voiced a desire to watch something homoerotic with a bunch of well put together men wearing little more than a Speedo, cape and a strategically applied air brushed tan

Well, at As Told to Stan Lee we are not only all about comics, we are also all about objectification. So today I am bringing you the shirtless men of Romance. (Aaron thought I should try for 300 days of shirtless men but even I would grow bored with that.)

Now gentlemen, before you go slinking off to put on a shirt, remember these are the ideal. No one expects you to look this good.

So, with no further delay, lets get to it!

Secret Romances #17 - Ohh, Captain...

Grabby? No need to apologize.


Sweethearts #123 - Never Trust a Sailor

Though, in my experience, the older sailors are normally covered in tattoos of naked women (unless the women they married made them tattoo bikinis on them) so really it's a draw.

Secret Romances #17 - You Never Can Tell

If Lila could only get these two to get along there would be the makings of one hell of a cruise.

I Love You #102 - With the Swingers

I'm all for public displays of affection but these two are just creepy.

Career Girl Romances #62 - Why Does He Kiss Me - ?

Makes you wonder exactly what kind of pills did this younger Stan Lee send for.

Teen Confessions #83 - Daddy's Little Girl!

Well honey, in that case, you should wear your school uniform from eight grade. - Dad has got to get a clue!

Sweethearts 134 - In The Shadows

I bet he smells of nothing but chlorine and masculinity.

Teen Age Love #86 - Hour of Despair

Jonnie L♥ve. Do I really need to say anything else?

Sweethearts 134 - Love Ain't Hat

I'm willing to bet she just threw up a little bit.

Teen Age Love #91 - What Must I Do?

Exactly what are either of you doing that in remotely interesting? Let alone wild.

Secret Romance #13 - All or Nothing

Yeah, I'll let you insert your own joke here. I do have standards you know.

Teen Age Love #66 - Another's Arm

See, I would have thought she started the whole thing when she choose to wear body paint in lieu of a swim suit.

Secret Romance 33 - The Love Goddess

Something about Steve's stance make me think that he might not blame Wharton for finding Wendy attractive but he personally just doesn't swing that way.

And I saved my favorite for last.


For Lovers Only 62 - I'll Pay for These Kisses

If I were Martinez and Elier I would have signed it that large as well.

Alright ladies! You can feel free to go back to your unsatisfactory lives and your sub par men.