How to Keep Your Man!

Too Much Loving ... Too Many Tears!
Girl's Romance
DC Comics 
Story Art by Art Saaf and Vince Colletta
Number 150
1970

Ladies, whether you like your romance covers to sport Paul Marron or you're more the Nick Cardy type, nothing sells it like a little eye candy. With this in mind, and so much time since my last post, I figured why waste time? Why not jump straight to hot blonde in wheelchair? (Remember ladies, if your man's in a wheelchair, you'll always have a lap to sit on.) True, it would have been more awesome if he was sporting only the bottoms of those grandpa pj's, the fact that he is shedding a single tear completely makes it all better. Side Note: The husband of a friend of mine has a tear fetish.

Stop Pitying Him! I can give you love! Tall, dark and suited-up, isn't half bad either.


With this cover, already DC has outdone themselves. But Too Much Loving ... Too Many Tears! is more than a killer cover, it's a roller coaster ride of heartache, insecurity and confusion. And it's either a Goofus and Gallant "bad example" for dealing with insecurities in a romantic relationship or step-by-step instructions on how to crush a man's self-esteem in order to keep him in check. I like to think of it as the later.
 
What I am saying is ... You'll likely want to take notes!

When we are first introduced to Vanessa Jones she seems a bit of a player. With both a rising football star and an up and coming businessman in tow, she finds herself in quite the dilemma.

Oh, poor Vanessa. How could you possibly bring yourself to break the heart of either of these two delicious men. They do seem to get along rather well, perhaps ...

Well, dilemma or not, Vanessa eventually makes a decision.

If Wally was a soccer player I might understand the choice.

Once her decision is made, like any intelligent woman, Vanessa knows she needs to lock-that-down. The faster the better.

That's right Vanessa, don't let that man out of your sight.

And, of course when you are the woman of a soon-to-be athletic superstar, it is vastly important to keep him unsure of your love.

 

Because a man unsure of your affection, is a man striving with every breath to secure it.

Vanessa knows that keeping a man insecure can be a delicate operation. You must keep him in constant doubt of your faithfulness and yet not so insecure that he runs to find comfort in the arms of another. To accomplish this you need to provide just enough ego stroking praise to fuel his desperate desire for your approval.

But not too much!

I guess... That's the way you do it Vanessa! You're a natural.

But, no matter how well things seem to be going, it is always critical that you still take cues from his body language and tone so that you can fine tune your approach on the fly.

Great save!

But remember, because life is full of surprises, any plan needs to be ready for obstacles to pop up. This plan is no different.

With Wally injured it is important that Vanesse gets her man out of a public hospital and cloistered away somewhere private. As a famous athlete, cameras and reporters gushing all over him, not to mention the constant offers of pity-sex from hospital staff, can really do a number on severely stunted self-esteem.

As I'm sure you have already guessed, the attentions of some do-gooder like the hospital doctor could have already caused some majordamage to your man's artificially suppressed feelings of self-worth.

It's damage control time. It's time to step up your game.

If you act dreamy all evening after that kiss on the cheek, you'll start to see the results you're hoping for.

But remember, if you do it to well you'll likely see side effects.

This isn't the time to pull your punches. If you want to guarantee your man never strays, you have to be tough.

Remember, in extreme cases, you can't let yourself be afraid to surpass self-esteem destruction and plow right through to soul crushing.

Result!

 Tears. A sure sign you'll never lose his love.

Tears or no, don't soften. Stick to the plan, only a few more steps to go.

Shock!

Rage!

Confusion!

Embarrassment!

Keeping Control!

You now have the knowledge. Put it to good use.

Artist in a shack trumps business man in a mansion any day.

Life in a Garret!
Just Married
Charlton Comics
Cover Art by Sururi Gumen? and Vince Alascia ?
Story Art by Don Perlin and Charles Nicholas
Number 82
1972

When my husband and I first got married he moved from the apartment he had shared with a revolving door of guys and gals to my apartment just up the street. An apartment he had heroically been helping me pay for since by roommate Andrea had abandoned me without any notice.

Less then an year later we moved to a double in the ghetto. And oh how I miss it!

Our landlord, an engineer who looked like the resulting love child from a union between Sam Elliott and Rob Zombie, and his belly dancers/hair dresser wife, lived in the other half with six golden retrievers that sound like a herd of elephants when they ran up their steps. Otherwise you never heard anything at all which says something about the volume of six giant dogs running up the stairs.

We paid $450 a month when it was almost impossible to find rent under $850.  True, we had to share a backyard with six dogs, but we had one of our own so we didn't really care. I have always been a dog person and am convinced to this day that every dog I see a good dog. See that dog? He is so cute. I bet he's a good dog! Yes he is.  Except for my own. In Vincent's case, I know better.

In that neighborhood my convertible had its tires slashed and its top cut in an attempt to still my radio which was a shit radio so I really don't get it. Aaron witnessed an attempted vehicular homicide and our landlord had his brand new truck stolen. But even with all this, it wasn't until shirtless-tattooed-skinhead-guy set fire to shirtless-mullet-guy's car while he was in jail because shirtless-mullet-guy kept peeking in the window at shirtless-tattooed-skinhead-guy's girlfriend and whispering creepy things to her, that we finally decided we needed to move.

We were poor but happy and it has always been my philosophy that if two people can't be happy together while they are poor, they probably can't be happy together when they're not. Because god knows, life isn't easy and Charlton's Just Married title seems to understand that better than anybody! Oh the drama!

Now I have always genuinely loved Just Married's story Love in a Garrett and I suspect you will too!  In it we meet Kim and Roger, a young married couple, who are struggling to improve their lives. But tragedy strikes even as Roger can see the Groovy at the end of the tunnel.

With Kim having fallen ill, her parents blame Roger.

And when Kim is set to go home,instead of Roger picking her up, his guilt has her receiving a letter saying goodbye.

When Kim goes looking for him at their old home, the place has been condemned as the complete deathtrap that it was.

And none of their hippie, deadbeat friends can help either. (Interesting side note: Blogger does not recognize "hippie" as a real word.)

Her father is not very understanding. (Interesting side note: Kim's mother is rather well maintained.)

I'd like the say here that ALL father's feel that no one is good enough for their daughters. When I told my parents I was marrying my husband my father just kept asked me if I was really sure and then told me how he felt we should keep out finances separate. And my dad actually really liked him! My mother just said she was happy it was a boy.

Months go by and still no Roger. Until ...

And for some unidentifiable reason, Roger seems to have gotten more attractive. I just can put my finger one it.

Roger explains to Kim and her parents what he has spent the last six months doing. And Roger says the words that very father-in-law to an artist wants to hear.

 No more fine art for me!

Then Kim and Roger make the mistake we all do. 

Much like in a horror movie, you just felt like yelling at the panel and telling them not to do it didn't you?

Kim and Roger's life seems perfect. Kind of like the Brady Bunch without all those damn kids. 

Then they make yet another one of those mistakes we all do.

I feel like I just watched the slutty girl drags the jock to a secluded area of the woods for some privacy.

But striving for that "perfect life" was taking its toll.

And as expected, the perfect life becomes less enjoyable then the life they were leading before. Excluding the whole pneumonia thing of course.

And then Kim does what I constantly fantasize about. Well, one of the things anyway.

You always hear He Who Dies with the Most Stuff Wins but you're still dead. So remember kids, quality of life is more important then quantity of stuff so pay attention!

It's not the size of the vessel, it's the motion of the ocean.

"His First Mate"
Love Diary
Charlton Comics 
Cover Art by Demetrio Sanchez Gomez
Story Art by Charles Nicholas and Vince Alasci
Number 87
1973

There are four words that are a MUST to keep in mind in any long-term relationship. Those words are accept, ignore, indulge and complain. Of course the complicated part isn't remembering the words so much as figuring out where to apply them. Sorry, that's your job, I can't do everything for you. So, good luck with that.

Here is an example: My husband accepts my never dying love of the Dynamite Hack 2000 release Superfast. I just don't care enough about this to make the effort to show you that I care enough to try to get you back in bed with me. He ignores the fact that I am a rather terrible cook. Terrible might be an exaggeration. I just sort of suck. He indulges me in my need to constantly be reading a book. It's good for the mind! Well perhaps not with the crap I've been reading as of late. And he complains that I seem just a little too interested in Gerard Butler movies. Have you seen RocknRolla? It's a great movie. The fact that Gerard Butler a aesthetically pleasing is completely incidental.

I, on the other hand accept that my husband likes Frank Senatra. That's why the lady is a tramp. Really? That's why? I ignore the fact that he puts my multi-colored dishes in rainbow order after I put them away. OCD much? I indulge him in his bizarre revolving obsessions. Vikings, Pirates, Mythology etc. And I complain that he complains about the Gerard Butler movies.

Well currently I am indulging my husband in a new obsessions. But this isn't part of his typical yearly cycle. This is a new one. It's about sailors. It is not as potentially sexy as it sounds. It has currently manifested itself in his reading of Moby Dick, continually talking about dirty lyrics of something called Barnacle Bill the Sailor, questioning me on my willingness to live on a boat, hell yes! trying to get a library DVD of Jaws and sitting around with a book on sailor's knots and practicing with a rope. Okay, this has a little more potential.

Add all this to the fact that we just got back from spending a week on a beach certainly the event that has spurred Aaron's current interest and that we always sleep with one of those alarm clocks that makes the sound of the ocean, sailors are currently never very far from my mind either. But were they ever? So today I am bring Love Diary's story His First Mate.

From the first we are introduced to Diane Barr. A secretary with a love of sailing but without the bread needed to make her dream of owning a boat happen and Jim Condon, a sailor without enough bread to keep his dream of owning a boat afloat. Wow, that was a bad.

This is very much like a plot of some seventies sitcom. In another episode due to some contrived complication they are forced to stay all night in a department store with a severely effeminate store clerk and we are forced to suffer through much bad double entendre.  

Someone has to be in charge, woman! Wow, I think my heart just sped up.

Just because you have an ugly hat doesn't mean you can be a captain. It didn't sound to me like she had been on a boat since she was a kid. This idea just seems to be getting worse and worse.

From now on, I think I'd better do the cooking. Well played sir. Well played.

Assuming one or the other isn't a rapist, this sleeping on the boat thing could really save them some phat cash.

Wow, a man soaked to the skin AND without a sense of humor. I'm surprised she doesn't jump him right there.

Remember girls, only say yes to a marriage proposal when the guy stops being hostile just in time.

I sometimes think Chartlon was on crack.